Under-recognized Grief: Sibling Loss and Pregnancy Loss

Under-recognized grief, such as from sibling loss and pregnancy loss, is particularly challenging because these losses are often disenfranchised, meaning they are not openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported by family, friends, or even healthcare providers.

This lack of validation can leave bereaved individuals feeling isolated and unable to process their grief in healthy ways.

Impact on Those Who Have Lost a Sibling or a Pregnancy

Miscarriage and pregnancy loss create unique challenges because they involve not only the loss of the baby but also the loss of parental identity and the idealized future family.

People experiencing miscarriage commonly report intense grief, despair, depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress, with effects that can persist for years.

One study found that among those who experienced miscarriage or abortion, the median time between the loss and still struggling with grief was 4 years, with some reporting difficulties up to 47 years later.

The grief can also strain relationships, increasing the risk of decreased relationship satisfaction and separation.

Sibling loss presents distinct challenges as sibling relationships are often the longest in a person's life.

Surviving siblings face what researchers call a "fractured parallel life.” The loss disrupts their identity and often requires them to take on new family roles.

They may experience identity disruption, role substitution (such as becoming the "oldest" child), and a profound sense of loneliness.

Siblings are sometimes called "forgotten mourners" because attention typically focuses on parents or spouses, leaving siblings without adequate recognition or support.

Both types of loss can lead to prolonged grief disorder, characterized by intense yearning, preoccupation with the deceased, feelings of emptiness, and difficulty reintegrating into daily life that persists beyond what would be expected culturally.

How to Support Individuals Facing Sibling Loss or Pregnancy Loss

What to say and do:

• Acknowledge and validate the loss: Simply recognizing that the loss matters is crucial. Say things like "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "This must be incredibly difficult for you". Avoid minimizing statements like "at least you can have another baby" or "they're in a better place now."

• Listen to their stories: Show genuine interest in hearing about the person who died or the pregnancy they lost. Let them share memories without trying to fix their pain.

• Provide specific, practical help: Rather than saying "let me know if you need anything," offer concrete support like "Can I bring you dinner on Tuesday?" or "I have Wednesday afternoon free and can run errands or grocery shop for you."

• Check in regularly over time: Grief doesn't follow a predictable timeline. Continue reaching out weeks, months, and years after the loss, not just in the immediate aftermath.

• Normalize their grief: Show them that you understand that there's no "right way" to grieve and that their feelings—whatever they are—are valid. Although their grief will eventually become easier for them to live with, this will take time.

• Offer to join them in simple daily activities: Even something as small as going for a walk together, sitting and having a cup of tea together, or watching a movie together can offer some respite.

• Respect their need to oscillate: Understand that healthy grieving involves moving back and forth between confronting the painful reality and taking breaks from it.

• Don’t use phrases like “move on” or “get over”: People don’t get over grief as the experience of loss will stay with them forever. What changes is that with time, they will grow their capacity to live with it.

  
  

Recommended reading

Surviving Sibling Loss: The Invisible Thread That Connects Us Through Life and Death by Dawn DiRaimondo, Psy.D. https://drdawndiraimondo.com/product/surviving-sibling-loss-book/