What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone Who Is Grieving a Death

When someone experiences the death of a loved one, friends, family, and colleagues often want to offer comfort and support. However, well-intentioned efforts can sometimes miss the mark or even cause additional distress. Understanding what to say--and not say-- to someone who is grieving a death can make a meaningful difference.

Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving

Attempts to "cheer up" a grieving person or encourage positivity are not likely to be effective or appreciated, and may even cause harm (Iglewicz et al., 2020; Ishida et al., 2018). These responses often reflect the discomfort of the person offering them, rather than the needs of the bereaved.

Grief is a natural response to loss, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve (Simon & Shear, 2024). The bereaved need to express and process authentic feelings—including sadness, anger, and anguish—as part of adapting to life without their loved one. Attempts to minimize these emotions or encourage positivity can leave the grieving person feeling misunderstood and isolated.

Comments that begin with "at least" (such as "at least they're not in pain anymore") may comfort the speaker but they do not help the bereaved cope, and actually might cause them more distress (Schonfeld et al., 2024). Research shows that emphasizing the positive aspects of death is one of the most unhelpful types of communication reported by grieving individuals (Ishida et al., 2018). Such statements can minimize the profound loss and imply that the griever should feel differently than they do.

Statements and questions like "You don’t seem like yourself” or “Why do you seem so down?" suggest a need to act "normal" when grief fundamentally changes a person's world. Similarly, telling someone to "be strong" or hide their emotions denies them the opportunity to authentically process their loss (Simon & Shear, 2024).

Respecting Boundaries

Not everyone who is grieving wants to talk about their experience, and that is okay. They also might not want to talk to you. If you do not have an emotionally close relationship, they may not wish to share their feelings with you. Respect this boundary. Do not pressure them to disclose details or encourage them to "look on the bright side."

Recognize that pushing someone to talk or trying to make them feel better is often about your own discomfort rather than their needs. The best support is simply to let them know you are available if they want to talk, respect their need for space, and understand that grief comes in waves.

What to Say and What Not to Say When Someone Confides in You

If a grieving person chooses to confide in you, the most helpful thing you can offer is empathic listening and validation (Simon & Shear, 2024). Be present with their pain rather than trying to fix it.

Helpful approaches include:

• Showing genuine interest in their relationship with the person who died and listening to their stories.

• Acknowledging the significance of their loss without judgment.

• Offering specific, practical help rather than vague offers ("let me know if you need anything").

• Simply saying "I'm so sorry" or "I'm here for you."

• Allowing silence and sitting with their emotions.

Avoid these common mistakes:

• Do not try to "cheer them up" or emphasize positive aspects. Comments like "at least they're not in pain anymore" may reduce your own discomfort but do not help the grieving person cope (Schonfeld et al., 2024; Ishida et al., 2018).

• Do not tell them to "be strong" or hide their emotions. Grief is a natural response to loss, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve (Simon & Shear, 2024).

• Do not say you know exactly how they feel or compare their loss to your own. Each person's grief is unique (Schonfeld et al., 2024).

• Do not tell them how they should feel (e.g., "you must be angry" or "you should feel relieved"). Instead, invite them to share their feelings if they wish.

Understanding the Nature of Grief

Grief is the natural response to the death of a loved one (Simon & Shear, 2024). Reactions may include waves of sadness, anguish, anger, numbness, anxiety, and guilt (Weaver et al., 2023). These emotions can feel unpredictable and overwhelming.

Grief subsides as a bereaved person adapts to a world changed by loss, learning to live without the deceased. Adaptation is most successful when there is a natural oscillation between attending to the painful reality and setting it aside. Grief does not follow a linear timeline, and the bereaved may need different types of support at different times.

Conclusion

Supporting someone who is grieving requires sensitivity, patience, and a willingness to sit with discomfort. By respecting boundaries, avoiding unhelpful communication, and offering genuine presence and practical support, you can provide meaningful comfort during one of life’s most difficult experiences. Your role is not to fix their grief, but to acknowledge their loss and be present as they navigate their unique journey.

References

Iglewicz, A., Shear, M. K., Reynolds, C. F., Simon, N., Lebowitz, B., & Zisook, S. (2020). Complicated grief therapy for clinicians: An evidence-based protocol for mental health practice. Depression and Anxiety, 37(1), 90–98. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.22965

Ishida, M., Onishi, H., Morita, T., Miyashita, M., Hirai, K., Shiozaki, M., Akizuki, N., Shima, Y., & Uchitomi, Y. (2018). Communication disparity between the bereaved and others: What hurts them and what is unhelpful? A nationwide study of the cancer bereaved. Journal of Pain and Symptom Management, 55(4), 1061–1067.e1. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpainsymman.2017.12.493

Schonfeld, D. J., Demaria, T., Nasir, A., & Kumar, S. (2024). Supporting the grieving child and family: Clinical report. Pediatrics, 154(1), e2024067212. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2024-067212

Simon, N. M., & Shear, M. K. (2024). Prolonged grief disorder. The New England Journal of Medicine, 391(13), 1227–1236. https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJMcp2308707

Weaver, M. S., Nasir, A., Lord, B. T., Starin, A., & Linebarger, J. S. (2023). Supporting the family after the death of a child or adolescent. Pediatrics, 152(6), e2023064426. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2023-064426